you know

you know what i want to say

i take a deep breath in

count to one

a deeper breath out

count to two

in my dream i finally tell you

what you already knew

i wasted my time with you.

when i let you live with me

knowing that was a mistake

the second i arrived at the airport

knowing that moment

i saw you with your bicycle bag

and one suitcase

ignoring my feelings

as i hugged you.

eventually i learned to

ignore the phone calls from her

ignore the nights you never came home

ignore the alcohol abuse

ignore the abusive words that spilled from your mouth

thankfully you left me

i never would have left you

i felt too responsible for you

for your bad choices

never wanting that phone call

to come and identify your body

so i let you stay far too long.

years later you call when

my mother is no longer with me

on earth

i sob tears for my beloved mother

some tears for what you did

never allowing you to know

how i grateful i am

that you left me for her

and she left you for someone else.

i am a first generation italian-american who grew up in southern new jersey. Life is amazingly beautiful and devastating. Sometimes in the same day.

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