this whole remembering to breathe….is a struggle. no matter how many meditations i listen to on the calm app which reminds me how to breathe, i just keep forgetting. it’s easy to forget to take a breath. i am checking my work email at 9 o’clock. i work for a nonprofit that serves really vulnerable families and individuals. i am twice the age of my colleagues, and i am ruthless with what i will try to improve someone’s quality of life.

i usually don’t breathe the entire 8,10, 12 hours i am working. there is no time for that. i take a daily dose of my meds and collapse by 9 pm. that’s why i have friend break ups all the time. no one wants to be around someone who doesn’t know how to breathe and goes to bed by 9 o’clock. i don’t have kids so there is no grace or mercy for me there. so few people can even tolerate me anymore.

i have to write PLEASE READ! when i send work emails. i wait hours sometimes for a response.

why is no one else breathing? or worrying? or anxious? or listening to rage against the machine? i was doing all that shit in my 20’s. now at a month from 50, i am trying to figure out who the fuck is not breathing either.