most of us have been in the work world long enough to know that when you are not in a position of power, you pretty much have to put up with everything. the HR guy who leans over his desk towards you to close the door. the boss who tells you the HR guy isn’t going anywhere so good luck.

your other colleague who emails you that he passes right by your apartment on the way to work. so he can stop. pick you up. maybe we can go for coffee first. or take a longer drive to see his place. he was sure my husband wouldn’t mind.

the other colleague who always wanted a hug. the other one referred to you as “wifey”. the cop who patrols by my office who offers to take me to his gym. that I was already in good shape so this would be just some pointers. you know. to get my body right.

i see it as a gift from the universe that i am not dead. that i can still look at myself. and not want to cut. or throw up. or maybe even just never leave my apartment because it’s so safe here. warm. where i water my tomato seedlings and place them closer to the sunshine on my kitchen floor. my teddy bear from 40 years ago sits on my bed with a half stitched smile. photos of my mom and nonna as i light candles and start talking. telling them how i want to be with them so badly i can feel it in my veins. but i know it’s not my time yet. there are things here that aren’t quite finished.

the HR guy finally got pushed out. rumor was he fucked a colleague. got her pregnant. the guy who called me wifey got fired, too.

my husband still enjoys my company. i his. i’m not done being an agitator. not quite ready to stop being a bitch. because i will not. i will not under any circumstances . i will not ever again judge my worth based on anyone’s behavior.

i am a first generation italian-american who grew up in southern new jersey. Life is amazingly beautiful and devastating. Sometimes in the same day.