it’s been awhile…
it has been awhile. i do not remember how long it has been since i have written. not just on medium. anywhere. writing is just like my guided meditation “practice.” inconsistent. self-serving. always a good idea. today i decided to write. not for any one reason but for several.
My therapist left her practice. When Audrey and I met virtually 3 1/2 years ago I told her I curse a lot and have a lot of shit to work on. She smiled and shared that’s perfect. Audrey loved that i would show authenticity and sounded like i was ready to challenge myself. She always thanked me for showing up for myself.
Audrey was curious. She asked during one of our first sessions to describe what my current state of mind looks like in a photo or painting. This is what I told her.
i am in an office. no windows. file cabinets fully pulled out. i am this big blob squished in between the metal cabinets. i was this big squishy blob who was stuck. No one was anywhere. i learned to exist in this space. Audrey smiled and praised me for being so honest. She wanted to know what my name was. I quickly responded Blobby. Oh that’s great, she quickly responded. She was always affirming when I shared a thought. Challenged my distorted thinking when necessary.
When I closed my eyes 3 years later, Audrey asked me the same question. Describe what my current state of mind would look like in a photo or picture. this is what I told her.
The room is not an office. It’s a living room in an apartment. Bright sun rays shining through one window. no curtains or shades. I am in a comfy swivel chair with my feet on an ottoman. There is a side table, Italian marble on top with brass legs, holding a tall glass of ice water. Next to the glass of water is the bamboo plant my mother gave after I eloped. My beloved mother told me bamboo plants are good luck. The plant is still alive despite my mother not. My therapist smiled with joy and told me she was proud of me. Blobby was banished and sunrays lit the entire room for hours.
Today we both had news to share. I told Audrey it’s been about 4 weeks since our last check-in. My new medications improved my mood. I was going to the gym more. Drinking less French white wines. That maybe I would take a break from seeing her to see how i do without check-ins for a few months. Audrey was expensive and rightly so. Maybe I would save for a vacation if I took 2 months off from seeing her.
Audrey seemed a bit relieved to share her news. She was leaving her current practice and starting her own. i was so excited for Audrey. more flexibility. better money I imagined. Audrey then told me the very bad news. She couldn’t see me for 1 year. Audrey made an agreement with her current practice that she would not “take” her clients “with her.” what if I needed her in a few months. I could barely say that as i was sobbing. like i just lost my senior cats Macaron and Oreo crying. Audrey recommended some wonderful therapists in the current practice. i was still crying. i told her I would never do that. never talk to anyone else in a practice who wouldn’t let me see Audrey for 1 year. no fucking way. Audrey started to cry. told me i worked so hard to come from being in a windowless office stuck between metal file cabinets to a sunny room with a swivel chair with fresh ice water leaning against the bamboo plant my mother gave me.
At the end of our virtual visit she wiped away her tears. Audrey’s tears were not in the same galaxy as my tears. she told me i could look her up on-line in a year. Audrey was not only my favorite therapist ever, she was one of the only people on this earth i trusted. When therapy sessions were exceedingly traumatizing i would buy a chocolate chip. It didn’t matter from where or if it tasted freshly baked or at the least edible. I always broke the cookie piece by piece. some bites full of bitter sweet chocolate chips. other bites pieces of the outer crispy part. then was the mushy part in the center. it was soothing. for the next week I went to a different place to buy a chocolate chip cookie. i sat inside and outside. on my city’s curb or bench. breaking the cookie apart. wondering if i could find over 360 places to buy a chocolate chip cookie.
