I wish I could tell you

That I am managing your loss well

That I am meditating

That I am breathing in slowly

With my belly extended

Shoulders relaxed

Feet flat on the floor

Hold for 10 seconds

breathing out with precision.

Or that I hold warrior pose

For 20 seconds or more

Flawlessly falling to right angle pose

Where I can place my hand flat on the mat

Throwing in crow position which I have been working on for a year

I wish I could say yes

that’s how I’m coping with your death.

Instead I walk over to the bar with outdoor seating and drink a bottle of rose

Sometimes with someone who will watch me without judgment

Or alone as I scroll though old photos.

It really doesn’t matter if I am alone or not

The pain isn’t numbed nonetheless

The days go by where I can drink more

more often

I cry alone or in front of others

It doesn’t really matter to me.

I hold my breath to get through a day of work

only exhaling slightly to take a drink.

i am a first generation italian-american who grew up in southern new jersey. Life is amazingly beautiful and devastating. Sometimes in the same day.