I wish I could tell you
That I am managing your loss well
That I am meditating
That I am breathing in slowly
With my belly extended
Feet flat on the floor
Hold for 10 seconds
breathing out with precision.
Or that I hold warrior pose
For 20 seconds or more
Flawlessly falling to right angle pose
Where I can place my hand flat on the mat
Throwing in crow position which I have been working on for a year
I wish I could say yes
that’s how I’m coping with your death.
Instead I walk over to the bar with outdoor seating and drink a bottle of rose
Sometimes with someone who will watch me without judgment
Or alone as I scroll though old photos.
It really doesn’t matter if I am alone or not
The pain isn’t numbed nonetheless
The days go by where I can drink more
I cry alone or in front of others
It doesn’t really matter to me.
I hold my breath to get through a day of work
only exhaling slightly to take a drink.