i sometimes wonder in silence what will i be remembered for.

i know. it depends who you ask.

if you ask my boss she would say what she has already said to me on the phone. “you plan on spending the rest of your career doing this?”

my older and only sister would love to give you a list:

  1. she was and will always be remembered for being selfish for never having kids.

i don’t think anything else really matters on her list. this is the way so many people feel. some tell me. mostly in a passive aggressive. “you must love all of the worry free time you have since you are by yourself.”

my extended family would tell you nothing. i do not speak to them. they do not speak to me.

friends who are no longer friends. they would be the first to tell you in was selfish. yes. another vote for selfish. that it was better to be without me than with me.

i think my mother who became my best friend at age 30. died when i was 48. she would tell you that i broke her heart in millions of pieces when i moved away. only 3 hours. i took the train and bus. a lot. exhausted from work. hungover from my bad choices. until her mind became too riddled with disease, she cried and prayed and begged me to move close to her. i will never get that chance now. never get that the chance to make the most special person’s wish come true.

i am a first generation italian-american who grew up in southern new jersey. Life is amazingly beautiful and devastating. Sometimes in the same day.