i must admit to you

that i am trying tomorrow

just one more time

another self-help group.

it has not gone well.

when i was 29 and attending

an ALNON meeting.

for the first and subsequent last time

i sobbed for 30 minutes straight

without taking a breath or blinking

i told my history of dating him.

an alcohol abuser.

not even the functioning kind.

when i finally shut up

someone said staring straight into

my blood shot eyes

what about your relationship with alcohol.

no one else said a word as i walked out of the

church basement. the humid city air

felt so cool against my burning skin.

or the time i said nothing week after week

people shared how their depression made them so

debilitated. they were so grateful for this group

that made them feel normal.

i got called out by some 30 something guy

who wondered out loud

why did i not share. everyone shared.

he was right. i did not.

i was right. he sounded like a punk.

i was no punk. cause i knew that raw grit

kept me alive so now almost 25 years later

i will try again. tomorrow.