I have decided that everything I thought about myself was wrong. At almost 50, I’m just starting to learn myself.

Firstly, I love espresso. When I traveled to southern Italy, in a village where my mother married my father, espresso is mastered everywhere. At my zio’s farm. A small kitchen with the best espresso among hundreds of acres of land. The pasticere near the church where my mother married my father. I can drink it with pride in the morning and afternoon now. At almost 50.

Secondly, I have younger friends and friends with children who don’t quite understand me. The way I no longer understand them. Friends 15 years younger who are gorgeous and know it. Who are waiting for a beautiful, smart, rich man to appear. My friends with children who pity me for only having my husband and father in my life. I hope they outlive me both.

Thirdly, excitement is not for me. I like to take 4 deep breaths in.. Hold for 2. 4 deep breaths out. I like to watch birds. City birds. Birds at the beach. Birds at national wildlife refuges. I like to walk and listen to the sounds. The sounds of nothingness.

At almost 50, I want to be me without judgement from you. With only a few in my world. With only a few to have some small talk with. To talk about the different sounds birds make. The makes always with bright colors to attract the females.

i am a first generation italian-american who grew up in southern new jersey. Life is amazingly beautiful and devastating. Sometimes in the same day.