i weighed myself

sometimes twice per day.

before I drank water

after I peed.

naked in the morning.

after my shower at night.

looking for the number that has yet to flash on the scale

remembering my mother loving me when I was so skinny

i shopped at the thrift store and found everything. I fit everything.

at times, we looked at the discount rack at Macy’s for an extra large

we would drive home

she would always cook my favorite pasta

always al dente

meatballs stuffed with garlic and cheese and parsley

i light all the candles around her photo

missing her so deeply

drinking for the endless night

wanting to go where she is

to be with her

i remember that i needed to stay here to love my husband

take care of my father.

i am a first generation italian-american who grew up in southern new jersey. Life is amazingly beautiful and devastating. Sometimes in the same day.