i weighed myself
sometimes twice per day.
before I drank water
after I peed.
naked in the morning.
after my shower at night.
looking for the number that has yet to flash on the scale
remembering my mother loving me when I was so skinny
i shopped at the thrift store and found everything. I fit everything.
at times, we looked at the discount rack at Macy’s for an extra large
we would drive home
she would always cook my favorite pasta
always al dente
meatballs stuffed with garlic and cheese and parsley
i light all the candles around her photo
missing her so deeply
drinking for the endless night
wanting to go where she is
to be with her
i remember that i needed to stay here to love my husband
take care of my father.