goals

fuck. what were my weekly goals again?

my warmly kind therapist set weekly goals with me

every week we agree on one or two goals.

start slow adriana. do not lie to her adriana.

remember to write the goals down before the computer screen goes dark adriana.

i think we agreed that i would reach out to one person who i haven’t talked to in a while and schedule something. like a coffee date.

or was it the butterfly hug. the one where you have no one to hug because you are too scared to ask. or there is no one to ask. you cross your arms and hug your shoulders. run your hands down your arms until…..no i think i told her no fucking way was i doing that.

i told my smart as fuck therapist who is 20 years younger than me that i drank 4 bottles of the most deliciously dry and crisp rose in one week. adding ice like my nonna did. it stays cold until i am ready for the next glass. Glasses with the long stem to keep the pink liquid even cooler. The surprise could not be shielded from her eyes. she asked if i wanted to drink less and sit with the hurt more. okay i said. i will try.

i just lied.

i think we agreed i would set healthier boundaries with people. i wonder what people she was talking about. i work. talk to my co-workers. my dad. i talk to him three times per day and his pain is too much for me to stop. my husband. i talk to him. i talk to no one else. my friends are no longer friends. pick a reason. they became tired of me saying the word hopeless or no i cannot make it or no i am working for the Washingtonians that i love which leaves me emotionally exhausted or no it’s too late. really i go to bed early. most of the time by 8 pm. i just cannot stand the day any longer. those are just a few.

embarrassed i had to email my therapist. what did we agree i was going to work on? right! a fucking nature walk. i googled nature walks in dc. a lot of options came up. none of which i knew I would never nature walk in.

so i did it my way. i walked 4 blocks to my neighborhood community garden. the one i joined almost 4 years ago. the one i left because i was told we cannot give everything we grow away. the one i came back to when they started a new garden on the other side of the city. few things were grown there now. a row of tomato plants. half dozen okra. lots of swiss chard that loved the shady side of the garden. two amazingly beautiful mature fig trees. one purple and pink. the other green. i pushed open the fig’s flesh with my thumb and pointer finger.

nature walk- check.