At almost 50 I would define myself as a loser. I am not saying that to elicit pity. I don’t care what you think. It’s how I feel about myself at almost 50 that troubles me. Disrupts my sleep.

At almost 50 I started to realize what my sister said to me long ago might be true. That when I am old no one will care about me. That if I am starving or lonely don’t call her.

I had 3 people I trusted. My mother is now gone. Which leaves me with my 81 year old father and my husband. The likelihood that my father will survive me is slim so it’s me and my husband.

I have no real relationships with my extended family. Most of my friends had children which is rightly their focus. So how do I ensure that no matter what happens or who is around that I survive. That seems like a silly question to ask. Ultimately though it is the truth. How will I begin to trust, rely on, forgive myself?

i am a first generation italian-american who grew up in southern new jersey. Life is amazingly beautiful and devastating. Sometimes in the same day.