At almost 50 I would define myself as a loser. I am not saying that to elicit pity. I don’t care what you think. It’s how I feel about myself at almost 50 that troubles me. Disrupts my sleep.

At almost 50 I started to realize what my sister said to me long ago might be true. That when I am old no one will care about me. That if I am starving or lonely don’t call her.

I had 3 people I trusted. My mother is now gone. Which leaves me with my 81 year old father and my husband. The likelihood that my father will survive me is slim so it’s me and my husband.

I have no real relationships with my extended family. Most of my friends had children which is rightly their focus. So how do I ensure that no matter what happens or who is around that I survive. That seems like a silly question to ask. Ultimately though it is the truth. How will I begin to trust, rely on, forgive myself?

--

--

--

i am a first generation italian-american who grew up in southern new jersey. Life is amazingly beautiful and devastating. Sometimes in the same day.

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

Exactly thirteen years ago (to the day) was May 2, 2007, when a special kid proudly, confidently…

Spouses have equal common property rights

Mother-in-Law Refuses to Throw Out Used Pregnancy Test

A few days in my life.

Tyrese Gibson’s mother dies after battle with Covid-19

Tyrese Gibson's mother dies after battle with Covid-19

Grief is a living thing

I Reluctantly Messaged My Dad “Happy Father’s Day.”…

Gift a Moving Memory this Mother’s Day

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
adriana suriano

adriana suriano

i am a first generation italian-american who grew up in southern new jersey. Life is amazingly beautiful and devastating. Sometimes in the same day.

More from Medium

What is Your Biggest Regret in Life?

What I’ve Learned About The College Admissions Process — As a High School Senior

Your Own Definition of What’s Possible

Do not chase anyone else path